Luckily, I sort of got to escape the insanity by moving off to college. I didn’t go far, but it was far enough. I think that move helped me to deal with the divorce better than my brother, who was somewhat stuck in the middle of it.

At first, I really liked the reprise I had found by being away. But then birthdays and the holidays rolled around. While my friends would have wonderful visits from Mom and Dad, who would spoil them rotten for a weekend (which usually meant taking them grocery shopping and eating out) to celebrate, my situation was a little different.

Thanksgiving and Christmas were really hard. Instead of celebrating with Mom, Dad, and Daniel at one of the grandparents’ houses, Dad wasn’t there. I felt his absence very sharply. It was so strange.

Fast forward about three years of unwhole holidays and celebrating birthdays with Mom and Dad and his new wife separately. I had met the man of my dreams and we were planning a wedding. Until this time, I had not really made any effort to get to know my step-mother.

And I didn’t want to because she was not my mom.

But with a wedding coming up, I wanted familial harmony more than anything. I wanted everyone to get along on my wedding day, myself included. And that meant that I needed to find peace with my new family situation.

I am still not quite sure how it happened, but Traci, my step-mom, and I started to get closer. I finally starting to see her as Dad did, and more importantly, I was able to see that it was not their affair that caused my parents to end their 22-year marriage, but problems Mom and Dad had in their own private relationship long before Traci entered the scene.

Fast forward just a little bit more to my first Christmas as Mrs. Robert Mueller. We were planning to celebrate this special, one-time event alone to celebrate our new family, but due to some fortunate auto break-downs, Dad and Traci ended up at our place for the holiday, and a tradition was born.

So basically, over the past five years, I have found my place in the new arrangement of things that is my family, and Rob has too. Dad and Traci, whom I’ve taken to calling “Mutti,” the German equivalent of “Mom,” would surprise us for an afternoon visit, and most of the time, we’d just end up sitting around talking. It happened when we’d visit them too. Just a normal evening, sitting in the living room, maybe playing some poker, drinking Diet Cokes and Dr. Peppers, and being a normal family. Traci isn’t my real mother, and she can never take Mom’s place, but she has earned a special place in my heart that I am enriched by every day.

There’s something about that feeling of normalcy, feeling completely accepted, the closeness that can only be shared by family, that makes me deeply happy, and I look forward to the day when Rob and I can pass it on.

Quite often we talk about our fighting patterns and how we view problems. I think our view of problems is one of the reasons that we will be married for the rest of our lives. We see problems and the fights that deal with them as vehicles for growth within our marriage.

First and foremost, the fights (which are not always ugly fights, by the way, but are usually discussions about a rising problem) serve as communication. Instead of bottling up what bothers us, we talk about it. Right then. We try to work it out.

But this is a life-long committment we have made to each other, so we recognize that most, if not all, of our problems just simply cannot be solved in one sitting. Our lives and personalities are complex, and so are the problems that arise from meshing two such lives and personalities together. There is no quick fix.

So we talk, and we argue, and we test solutions. Then we talk some more, make suggestions, and each of us just keeps working on our end of the problem. There are many iterations of this process, for many different problems, going on all the time in our relationship. We are working, testing, retesting, and solving all the time.

And every now and then, I feel like we have finally solved something, finally figured it out, and that’s when I feel happy and accomplished.

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