Now, I feel really mean saying the following things, so just know that. It doesn’t feel like me at all, either.
Lindsay and Morgan both said the way to fix this is to apologize and then continue to act in a manner that proves I meant it. But the problem is that I don’t want to fix it, as terrible as that sounds, but hear me out. This whole ordeal has made me realize a few things that I thought I knew about Friends, but now I actually Know.
I have been blessed with friends who are good for me. Not one of the people on this blog has hurt me or back stabbed me or treated me poorly. I know that I am lucky in this manner, because part of the reason I think the offending party herself reacted to my actions in the way she did was because she has been mistreated by “friends.” Mom always told me about her “friends” who were mean to her. I still have the same friends now that I had going through high school, with a few new and great ones added to the mix (“Make new friends, but keep the old–some are silver and the others gold.” Grew up hearing that and I always wondered if it was the old friends who were the gold or the new ones. I don’t think that’s what it meant. :) ) That (having many of the same friends from high school) is true because I’ve had Good ones.
The other thing I’ve realized is that I don’t want to keep someone in my group of friends who will assume the bad thing from my actions before the good thing. I want to surround myself with people who have a wider view on the world than their little corner. Just because someone is “cool” doesn’t mean she’s a good friend for me. I don’t need to make an extra effort for someone who can’t do the same for me.
So. I want to continue building the relationships I have now. I am sad that this one is over so quickly, but I guess it will be for the best in the long run. I do want to make the extra effort for the people I have now. I know that I haven’t been the best about making or returning phone calls, and I am trying to get better. School seems to suck up so much of my time, and much of that is because I half grade/write/study, half procrastinate (I know that sounds weird, but it’s kinda like grading for 30-45 minutes, then playing around on the Internet or something else like that), and that’s something I am continually struggling with, trying to eliminate, but it’s getting harder as the work is getting harder! So I procrastinate with school stuff, leaving less time for friends/family/life. Bad Lindy.
I couldn’t sleep the other night because I was laying there, realizing that at 35 I will probably look back at myself during grad school and be disappointed. Here I am, the last semester of grad school, without a single degree paper finished (I have to write two 25 – 30 page papers), without a single PhD school app in, without strong enough motivation to get these things done. On top of that, I am not staying in very good contact with my very dear friends and family. I think I would look back with regret, and I have never really felt that way about any part of my life before.
I do have a lot more to balance now than I ever have before in my life–you know, this thing called “adulthood” does that–but so do other people, and they seem to be doing better. *sigh* But I guess it isn’t fair to myself to compare myself to other people.
Okay, now to put some actions behind these words! I’m off the the working environment WITHOUT the ever-distracting Internet, aka The Laptop. :)